"How can I learn to last longer in bed" is one of the questions I get most often on our tantra weekend courses. Many men come to me after the courses and ask me one on one in private, how they can learn to last longer in bed and how to deal with their premature ejaculation problems.

First off, I need to tell you guys that you are not alone. Many men have this problem which can be ascribed to the unfortunate fact that masculine sexuality is in general very course and rough compared to female sexuality. Woman are by their nature infinitely more sensitive than men. Their skin can feel twice as many nuances as their masculine counterparts, they can differentiate between many different types of orgasms (ie, the clitoral, vaginal, g-spot, urinary orgasm, anal orgasm etc etc) while we men usually just have one type of orgasm: The quick spasmic orgasm related with our ejaculation. Women involve themselves more deeply in the sexual act than men, women involving their emotional being completely in the act.

Also in the case of sheer durability women are superior to men. If making love with a tantric man, most women can easily last 2-3 hours in bed as the man skillfully guides the energies towards the climax. To fully satisfy a woman you need to make love with her for more than an hour. When I mean fully satisfy, I don’t mean giving her a clitoral orgasm which will satisfy her on a superficial physical level. I mean giving her an experience which awakens her soul, which makes her eyes big and beautiful, which makes her look at you like you were a hero. If you can satisfy a woman at this level, you have entered the core of her being and she is yours forever. It is no wonder that us men who are not in contact with our sexual sensitivity cannot last long in bed. Faced with this kind of feminine power we are instantly erased so to say. In this day and age where the male species is losing contact with his masculine essence, it is no wonder that he can not last longer than 5 minutes in bed.

But fear not! We have been given certain keys we can apply so we can build up our sexualities to match those of women. There are many keys to learning this and different angles one could approach, but the main ones in my experience are the following:

    1) Building up sensitivity
    2) Building up strength
    3) Use basic knowledge of energetic flows in lovemaking

For the best results these keys should be used simultaneously. Depending on your typology you can choose to focus on any of these keys but the best results come from a conscious use of the three keys simultaneously.

Building up sensitivity 

Compared to women us men have skin like elephants. Course, unrefined and not very sensitive. I cannot stress enough that men need to focus very much on the foreplay! Foreplay is not something that we sacrifice ourselves to do for the sake of the ladies. We do it for our own sakes to awaken our sexuality so it is not so focused on the genital area. This is of utmost importance for men. Usually in the case of men, the sexual tension lies in the genital area and therefore men would want instinctually to get rid of this tension. This tension has to be consciously dissipated into the rest of the body, and the best ways of doing this are through prolonged foreplay and through sensual massage.  

In the case of the foreplay, the man sacrificing his own drive for gratification and focusing on the womans needs will open his heart and sublimate (as it is called in tantra) his sexual energy to the heart area. The man must make it is primary desire to satisfy the woman as well as he can for his own sake!

In the case of massage it should be mutual. The man should start massaging the woman to open her up and to open up his own affective energies. After massaging his partner the man should then receive massage from his loved one. This massage will relax him and distribute his tense sexual energy highly focused in the genital areas to the whole body. A woman's sexuality is not focused in the genital areas; she is one living breathing sexual organ. Her skin, her breasts, her back, her neck, her legs, her eyes etc, all of these are part of her sexuality. If the man must match this his whole body should also be sexualized and have an equal amount of sensitivity.

Building up strength 

There are many kinds of strength. Here the focus should be on virility. When I say this I mean virility on all levels. Virility is not only limited to the physical sense as being able to have an erection for prolonged periods of time. When I say virility I mean virility in the sense that the man is powerful: He is strong, he knows what he wants, he knows how to get what he wants etc. Such a man has a powerful masculine core. This core will create a polarization process with his partner making her more feminine and open. Often in couples where the polarity is not good, the man becomes weak and feminized and the woman in desperation has to take the masculine role which is against her innermost nature.

This is easy to see nowadays. At our courses often the women sit straight actively listening while the men are lazily lying around with cultivating a laid back attitude. It should be the opposite. The men should be the ones sitting with their backs straight asking all the questions, actively seeking to improve themselves and thereby become more powerful.  Men should have a clear overview of the terrain. They should know where they are going and in which direction they want to take the couple relationship. They should fix their inner vision on their goals and put their beings and hearts into achieving these goals. This turns men from being victims to being actively engaged with life which (according to the tantric philosophy) is feminine in its very essence and should be penetrated full of awareness, love and power. A man, who begins to understand these core elements of being a man, will become very attractive to the opposite sex and women will start to become very aware of his presence. Needless to say, the deep inner feeling and application of this knowledge makes the man more virile in bed as well as giving him the necessary confidence to last longer in bed.

Using basic knowledge of energetic flows

To be able to last longer in bed, it is imperative to understand energy flow and how to guide the energy flows. This is a vast topic and we will only touch briefly upon it here to whet your appetite. There are many different systems and methodologies you can use, but as I am a practitioner of Tantra, I can tell you how the knowledge of these energies are structured in the tantric system. The human being is an energetic system comprised of all kinds of energies ranging from vital energies, sexual energies to psychic energies. The range of these energies can be categorized into earth energies, water energies, fire energies, air energies and ether energies. The earth energies are related to our vitality, grounding, survival instincts. The water energies are related to our sexuality and subconscious. The fire energies are related to our personal will power and drive. The air energies are related to our affective energies, our capacity to love. The ether energies are related to our ability to attain deep inner states, intuition, meditative states etc. The idea is that there are certain lovemaking positions correlated with each of these energies and that these lovemaking positions should be made in the right order. This will channel the energies correctly, prolong the lovemaking act for hours and lead to deep states of bliss and ecstacy.

One should strive to understand, cultivate and awaken these energies as they will deeply enrich your life, but also simply because this knowledge can be applied between the sheets.  And your partner will love you for it! She will be utterly amazed as this knowledge will awaken both of your energetic systems in the correct and natural way. For a deeper understanding of these energies and their relation to the human psyche I recommend a study of the chakra system as they are described in the ancient philosophies of Yoga and Tantra. 

Conclusion 

This article gave a broad overview of different approaches to be able to last longer in bed. The article touched upon why it is necessary to develop sensitivity, masculinity and to have a basic knowledge of the energetical system.

If you want very concrete techniques and a place to start with simple exercises and a step by step guide I can warmly recommend you visit www.ejaculationtrainer.com for more information and techniques. This is in my knowledge one of the best resources about the topic on the net as it encompasses both the very grounded with step by step techniques but also has very spiritual methods such as learning how to control your breathing correctly. For the man who wants to learn how to last longer in bed, it really is the best place to start.

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About the author

Hans Hvass is a yoga and tantra teacher who coordinates a course and retreat center in the North of Copenhagen, Denmark. Hans has taught yoga and tantra for many years and has extensive experience in guiding people to a higher understanding of their sexuality and in giving them tools and methods for personal development. Also an avid musician educated at the conservatory of Copenhagen, Hans makes tantric music for relaxation, meditation and lovemaking in the music group Ibis.